Dear Blog,

I've been sent by your owner to clarify a few things. First of all, please know, she thinks of you often and wishes you nothing but the best. [What-ev]. She knows you've been confused by her sporadic postings, and apologizes profusely. [The only thing she does profusely is eat chocolate.] She hopes people click on your fascinating links and are touched by the [brilliant] words she has [thoughtfully] written. [Time, she adds, that could've been better spent eating, napping, and/or watching Oprah.]

She's sure you read the posts she [painstakingly] writes, so you probably realize her life has been a bit bumpy of late. Hence, the undependable blog postings. Yes, you should feel sorry for her [send Raisinets], but no you shouldn't move in with her and help with the laundry. [Yes, you should.]

If you need her, she's here for you. [She'll be gone 'til Monday.] Feel free to call, text, FB, or Twitter her. She promises to [have her imaginary secretary] get back to you ASAP [if and when she feels like it].

Anyway, enough about her, how's life been treating you? Good? That's great! [Snoring.]

Oh, and one more thing. Your owner told me to tell you she'll be back to regular blogging one day soon. [Is 2015 soon?] She also said she loves you very much and is proud of all you've accomplished. [She never said that.]

So, dear blog, hang in there and know your owner loves you. [It's true. She does.]

Love always times a billion trillion gazillion times infinity,

Your Owner's BFF,
Amelia Genevieve Simone Bardot

[A dead ringer for the love child of George Clooney and Angelina Jolie.] [BWAHAHAHA!!!!]

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