When I Grow Up I Want to Be...

Chelsea Handler! She's gorgeous, blonde-haired, hilarious, and Jewish. I had the pleasure of seeing her and my other favorite comic Lewis Black live and "in concert" within the last two weeks.

I saw Chelsea, my comic idol, (and, yes, we're on a first-name basis) at the Tower Theater in Philly on March 7th and last Friday the 13th I saw the always angry, always ingenious Lewis Black at my favorite venue - The Music Box - at the Borgata in Atlantic City.

Chelsea is half Jewish and half Mormon. Need I say more? Yes, of course I do. She's a Jersey girl who was raised Jewish, has her own talk show on E at 11PM EST (watch it!!) and is the author of two of the funniest books ever written: "My Horizontal Life" a memoir of her one-night stands and "Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea" another hilarious memoir. (Her personal beverage favorite? Grey Goose.)

Lewis Black is also Jewish - I can't help it if the Jews have the market on funny. When your people have been persecuted and made fun of for having big noses for thousands of years, you either become depressed and withdrawn, get a nose job, or make jokes. Some of us do all three. Anyway, Lewis Black is an angry man. He doesn't understand Democrats or Republicans or why anyone would want to drink soy "milk." (Actually, there's no such thing as soy milk, but you'd have to ask Lewis about that.)

Since I'd be willing to bet my green-flowered thong (for those of you who hadn't guessed what clothing item I was referring to in my last post) that some of you don't know who one or both of these comic geniuses are, I thought I'd introduce you. ..

Ladies and gentlemen, Chelsea Handler and Lewis Black! (cue wild cheering and the San Diego Marching Band playing "Tusk!")

You can thank me for the following video clips in the comments section. Enjoy!

Chelsea Plans Her Funeral

Lewis Black Talks about a Nuclear Holocaust
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